The Horror of the Shade

There is an inherent horror in being alive. I see it everywhere. I see it every time I drive down the road and observe the remains of a small innocent animal crushed out of existence by some car who's driver is probably not even aware of taking a life. He is too busy listening to the radio or talking on the cell to be aware of the tragic death he has caused. I see it glorified in video games and movies. I see it every time I read the paper or watch the news. I am a fragile creature who can be killed in so many ways. I can be infected and killed by animals to small to be seen. I can lose my life to accident, violence, stupidity or just old age. In short I am food for worms and it scares me so that I do evil on myself and others. It is always there for me. When it is quiet and dark I look into the corner of my mind and I see him there. Death stares back at me with his wild eyes. As I look into his wild eyes, tears come to my own.

In the past I have tried to escape the horror. I have used many techniques.

My first run in the death was when I was 5 years old. My Grandpa had died. I looked at him laying in is coffin and I wondered what was different. Just a week or so before he was walking and laughing and playing with me and now he was not. I remember asking my Mother what was different. She told me that Grandpa was sleeping now and would one day be resurrected and would live forever with Jesus. Well this was Mom and so I took her explanation as the truth and it gave me comfort for a while.

I don't know how long a while was but my curious nature started a line of questioning that has not ended to this day. I began to see the different and and conflicting religions and came to the only honest conclusion I could. I realized they could not all be right. Even among Christians there are many different routes to heaven and eternal life. Yes yes they all say believe in Jesus and be saved but in the end they each have their own ax to grind. They each have there own special take on the subject. Throw in the other major religions and you have so many voices telling you so many different things it is hard to know which voice to listen to.

I would really like to pick a voice and listen to its message and be comforted with the thought of Mohandas Gandhi. He said something like this, the different religions are just different manifestations of the same God. So I would be on one of many paths to God and I could do that but for one thing. I again become the mindless driver crushing life from the innocents as I speed along listening to whatever station I have the radio tuned to. In occurs to me that once I start on that path and accept that point of view (whatever that point of view is) I am a participant in the evil I see around me. Even though I never fire a shot I am part of the evil of Christian vs Muslim vs Hindu vs Sikh, vs this that and the other. I become a part of that mindset that says this is the way and by saying this I damn others. I am going along and crushing the life out of the innocents so I do not need to be afraid.

I am sure I take this all too seriously and maybe I should just go to Church or Temple or whatever but I do not. I can not. Because in the end I do not believe nor do I care to believe.

I thought about just ignoring the problem of the horror. There are so many ways to do it. Food, drugs, sex, video games LOL, yes yes I include video games because they become the world of some people. In this world they are in control and godlike. I think video games are just a way to get out of living life. In all of these solutions I am sacrificing myself and I am still a coward and I am giving the horror something of great value so it will leave me in peace.

Then there are addictive relationships, the relationship could be with a parent, friend, spouse, child or lover. In these relationships we are lost in the embrace of the other we enslave ourselves and we enslave the other. I can not do this, any of this. In the end all of these solutions are just a way of sleeping and not living. I once again find myself driving along not realizing I have run over my loved one to escape the horror.

So where ever I turn to deal with this I am either sacrificing myself or another. I am either enslaving or being enslaved. I would rather die. And that leads me to what for me has been an elegant solution.

I will just die. It occurs to me that it is enough to know that Life and Identity exist. I do not need to waste my time with religion, sex, food, drugs or the rest of it to deal with the horror of my demise. I do not need to go to sleep to the horror. I have made peace with the horror and now instead of running from it or placating it or sacrificing the innocents to it I accept it and invite the horror along as a friend.

Everyday I stop and look for my wild eyed friend in the corner. He is there and he is whispering to me. He is whispering to me to enjoy every moment. Even and especially the painful ones because it will all come to an end. If I will listen he will not let me fall asleep. He will not let me miss one minute. And so my greatest enemy is my greatest friend. When I look into that corner I smile and tears come to my eyes. They are not tears of horror or fear but of thankfulness for being awake for this miracle. The miracle of LIFE.

Be Gentle With Yourself

It amazes me at mans capacity to be cruel to himself. As cruel as we can be to each other and we can be cruel (beheading video anyone?) I think we are more cruel to ourselves. That just may explain the beheading video.

Think of it. How many people kill themselves day after day with self destructive behavior. Alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual addiction, gluttony are just a few of a myriad of ways we have devised to hurt ourselves. We have more sadistic ways. Religion is my favorite. How many times do we punish ourselves for not measuring up to ten ancient rules of conduct, dietary laws, prayer schedules, dress, deportment etc. How about those personal battles when we have evil thoughts and punish ourselves for misfiring neurons.

Our internal dialogs are more damning than the most emotionally abusive parent could ever be. We call ourselves stupid, ugly, unworthy, evil. We damn ourselves and thereby damn the world that we live in.

The world in which we live starts with those closest to us. These are the very ones we should be blessing and we end up damning. We fail at being gentle with ourselves and this leads to failing our dear ones in the same manner. They in turn fail their dear ones and so it goes till we are killing each other over whatever reason we have handy.

The first step is to be honest, you have not always been gentle with yourself. Often your not even aware that you are being cruel to yourself because the thoughts of self doubt, self loathing and hatred are many times so common to your mind they seem a natural thing. They are not. Those thoughts are a learned behavior. If they can be learned they can be unlearned. We have been walking in the sewers of our imaginations for too long.

Bath in the awareness of your own mindfullness and the offending thoughts will become more apparent. Do this by taking quiet moments for yourself and count your breaths. Count one and breath in naturally. Notice the air filling your lungs. Expand your belly and let your lower lungs fill up. Notice the tiny almost non existent pause between your breathing in and out. Notice the air leaving your lungs. Notice the way your belly naturally deflates. Notice the tiny pause before you inhale. Count two and do it again. Yes I'm talking about meditation again. The goal is to walk in mindfulness in each step with each word and with each action. A work of a lifetime perhaps but one with immediate benefits.

As the thoughts that cause you and you world pain come into your consciousness wink at them. Let them go and forgive yourself for your wrongs. Be aware of what you blame yourself for. Much of it is not your fault. Wink and laugh at your own stupidity. You are a monkey beating yourself with a stick. It serves no purpose except as a disturbing spectacle for the unworthy.

It takes a lot of energy to be self loathing. It takes almost as much to spread this to others. Use the energy you save for more worthy things. Work out. Take up a hobby. Help the poor. Make love more often. Write a blog.

Disney World for the Mind, part 3

Why should I want to have Lucid Dreams? This is a good question and apart from the fun aspect there are many reasons a person may want to develop the ability to have Lucid Dreams.

How many of us have fears that we could start to overcome in our dreams. I for instance have a fear (Big F) of heights. My hands tremble at being more than a dozen or so feet up off of the ground. I remember the first time I flew in my lucid dreams. I was actually fearful of losing control and plunging to the earth. Funny huh, I knew that there was nothing to fear because I was sleeping but I was afraid anyway. I flew and learned to let go of my fears in my dreams. As a result I have learned to let go of my fear of heights in real life.

In real life there are so many missed opportunities. How nice would it be to talk to a passed loved one and tell them how much they met to us or to confront someone who did not treat us properly. Yes I know the people in our dreams are not real but the feelings of closure you may experience are real.

You may have real problems that you can not seem to solve. While dreaming you have assess to parts of your mind that are normally off limits to you. You may easily find the answer to a problem of love, friendship or other life choices.

Lucid dreaming offers many opportunities that are practical and worthwhile. Beyond solving problems, resolving conflict and overcoming fears there are a myriad of other things that can be accomplished with lucid dreaming. I think the next time I have a lucid dream I may conjure up Sigmund Freud and maybe Carl Jung and we can brainstorm on more ways to use this wonderful skill.

Disney World for the Mind, part 2

Needless to say lucid dreaming was a toy and I played with it every night. I sort of stumbled into Lucid Dreaming and so I didn't have to learn how to do it but over a period of time the dreams came less often and I really missed flying like a bird or visiting other worlds. This led me to research the lucid dreaming process and to see if there was anything to be done to increase my lucid dreaming. I found two valuable techniques that worked for me. I hope they work for you as well.

Dream recall is the key to lucid dreaming. If you don't have good recall don't worry here is a simple exercise to increase your memory of your dreams. When you wake in the morning before you move or even open your eyes try to remember your dreams. You will find that in this relaxed state you will be able to at least remember snippets of your dreams. As you practice this you will find that you will remember more and more of your dreams. They will be more available to your conscious mind. I believe that this practice helps create a strong link between the conscious and unconscious minds so the barrier between waking thought and dreams is broken down. It didn't take me long at all to increase my recall and my lucid dreaming increased several fold.

The second technique that helped me sounds sort of absurd. Several times during the day I might ask myself, am I dreaming?. Then I test this by trying something that is only possible in a dream like flying or turning someone into a chicken. If I can not turn someone into a chicken then I am probably not dreaming. If I can then I probably am. The thing is if you do this in your waking hours then your conscious mind will start to do this during your dream time and you will become more aware of your dreaming thus waking in your dreams.

I hope these two techniques will help any who want to learn to do this sort of dreaming. There are many good reasons to explore lucid dreaming. I will discuss those in my next post.

Disney World for the Mind

When I was in High School I played trumpet in the concert band. During my junior year I was excited to learn the band would be going on a trip to Florida. We would give concerts at different venues and of course there was a visit planned to Disney World. We spent a Tuesday at the park and I spent the whole day enthralled. From the first topiary of a Ivy Dragon undulating through the lawn to the fireworks that night I was in an imaginary world and I let myself forget about reality for the whole day. I let the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and the Flying Teacups be my reality. A few years later I discovered a Disney World for the mind. The Disney World of sleep and Lucid Dreaming.

It all started when I started nursing school and between study and work I was very busy and very stressed. One night I fell asleep on the sofa and started to dream. In my dream I saw an old wooden door with pealing green paint. As I looked at that door I seemed to have made the conscious realization that I was dreaming. That is to say I was asleep and dreaming but my conscious mind woke up in the dream and became aware of the process of dreaming. I immediately decided to test out this awareness. I decided to make my father come through the door. I knew he was over 300 miles away at the time and the only way he could come through that door was for me to be in a dream. I thought it and it happened. I said hi, then I turned to look around the room and the dream ended. I had had my first of many Lucid Dreams.

Interestingly enough the next night I dreamed of the same wooden door. I immediately knew I was dreaming when I saw the door. This time I had a beautiful woman come through the pealing green paint. OK not the most noble thing to do but my dream self was smiling ear to ear. Over the next several months I flew (my favorite lucid dreaming activity), I visited famous people both present and past, I talked to angels and demons, I met dragons and pirates.

I had discovered Disney World in my mind and it was more real than the theme park could ever be because this dreaming was a part of me and my mind. It was and is amazing.

Think of the possibilities. Being able to participate in any activity, talk to any person, confront any situation. I continue to lucid dream to this day .

My next post will have tips for having lucid dreams.

I Am The Luckiest Man In The World

I am the luckiest man in the world all because I had a big problem.

My problem began during a night shift at the hospital where I worked as a nurse. The short story is that blood from a man infected with both AIDS and hepatitis B had sprayed into my eyes while I administered blood to him. I clearly remembered the wetness entering my eyes and the temporary sensation of blindness. My heart sank to my stomach and stayed there for months. But it did not stay there permanently.

A week into this dilemma I was already tired of putting on a brave face. I was wondering if I was going to get sick and die, I was wondering how it would affect my family and I wondered about death. To deal with my anxieties and fears I made a deal with myself. I told myself that each day I would walk in the park and take a vacation from my problem. I told myself that I would just walk and when thoughts of any sort came to my mind I would let them go and redirect my mind towards my walk. The very next morning after working the night shift at the hospital I kept this promise for the first time of many times.

My technique was very simple. I walked. As my mind wondered I focused on the walk and then refocused each time my mind wondered. I actually focused on the feeling of my feet coming into contact with the path and the movement of my body through space. When thoughts would come into my mind I would be aware of the thought but would not interact with them. I would only give my thoughts the simple label (thought) then I would watch it pass and refocus on the feeling and sound of my footfalls.

Footfall by footfall I was able to focus more easily on my walk and I had a greater awareness of the tangle of thoughts that routinely went through my mind. I acknowledged each thought for what it was, a thought. I ceased to judge them as good or bad I became aware of the feelings they caused but I ceased to judge the feelings only acknowledge them as thoughts also. Footfall by footfall my heart became lighter.

This process of meditation and yes it is meditation was like slowly turning on a light in a huge warehouse and discovering all the things I have ever owned or been associated with. From the first diaper that covered my bottom to the new computer I just bought all the things were there. The warehouse is my mind and the objects are all my collected thoughts and emotions. The slowly illuminating light is this meditation. I was amazed at how many thoughts would filter through my mind in a five minute period. Hundreds easily. As I meditated my mind became calmer. The thoughts became less frequent and I was more aware of them. I found that much of the anxiety, fear, stress and depression I often felt were the results of thoughts of things that had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on in the here and now.

When all of this started I would have characterized myself as a moderately to severely anxious person. I was shut off from much of what life had to offer. Meditation has resulted in a calmer mind and a more abundant life.

I think sometimes I am the luckiest man in the world. Without realizing it I fell backwards into a form of meditation that opened my mind to the beauty of this world and my capacity to live in it. Today my heart often dances.

Where is the matter?

I demonstrated a few Tai Chi moves for an acquaintance. He saw the very slow fluid movements and said in a nasal tone "It would never work in a fight; it's too slow, too weak." I explained that it would be done faster in a confrontation and that Tai Chi was supposed to be practiced at a very slow steady pace with your minds full attention on the moves and the movement of Chi in the body. "What's Chi?" He asked.

Something about his expression told me that he was not going to be open to the idea of a life giving energy but I marched on. "Chi" I said, "is the force that is in all living things and animates us. Without it life would not be possible." I saw his face contort in concentration. He said, "How come scientists don't talk about this energy, if they don't talk about it they probably have never found it. So where is this energy?" He asked.

"The truth is," I shot back, "some scientists have been able to verify the existence of Chi through sophisticated heat sensing devices on the bodies of practitioners of meditation. The real question is not where the energy is but where the matter is." My acquaintance held his arm up and slapped it making a loud smack. "What do you mean? It's here and everywhere. It is all around us."

I nodded in agreement with him. "I know what your saying seems right but consider this. Most of the area in atoms, the little blocks that makes up us and everything around us, are to a great extent empty space. An atom is made up of a nucleus and electrons orbiting the nucleus. The thing is an electrons orbit can be up to 100,000 times the diameter of the nucleus. That means that if you enlarge a single atom to where the nucleus is one inch across the electrons could be up to a mile and a half away. His face fell somewhat blank. I continued.

It gets stranger than that. The electrons are much smaller than the nucleus. They might look like dust particles floating in the air. "My acquaintance asked, "If that is true why does my arm feel so solid?". He waved the arm in my face as if to say the discussion was over. I smiled knowing at this point he would not accept what I had to say but I explained that the electrons and the nucleus have strong electrical bonds that give matter its solidity.

He looked at me like I was crazy and turned and walked away. He had heard my words but did not accept them as true.

The truth is I don't know exactly what Chi is. I don't know whether or not it has anything to do with western physics. Although I suspect it does. I don't know if what the scientists are measuring on the meditating monks is chi or something else.

I do know we are made of energy. The fact that we and everything in our world seems solid is a trick on the interface devices of our senses.

What I do know is that the Chinese culture has a deep tradition concerning this. Internal energy is regarded as a fact of life. I know that Buddhist monks can use Chi to dry damp robes on their bodies on a cold morning while meditating. I also know that if the Chinese are right about Chi it wouldn't be the first time that their understanding of beneficial health practices is far in advance of ours. They knew all about boiling water to make it safe to drink a long time before we did here in the west. Just one of many examples.

Personally I know while performing standing meditation I almost always feel a sort of tingling sensation in my hands and sometimes the rest of my body. It feels like a nine volt battery releasing its charge through my flesh. Sometimes my hands repulse each other slightly like magnets. One time I am sure I raised my arms over my head without using my muscles. That is what I can say first hand about Chi. This is the beginning of my Nei Kung (internal energy) Odyssey.