I am the luckiest man in the world all because I had a big problem.
My problem began during a night shift at the hospital where I worked as a nurse. The short story is that blood from a man infected with both AIDS and hepatitis B had sprayed into my eyes while I administered blood to him. I clearly remembered the wetness entering my eyes and the temporary sensation of blindness. My heart sank to my stomach and stayed there for months. But it did not stay there permanently.
A week into this dilemma I was already tired of putting on a brave face. I was wondering if I was going to get sick and die, I was wondering how it would affect my family and I wondered about death. To deal with my anxieties and fears I made a deal with myself. I told myself that each day I would walk in the park and take a vacation from my problem. I told myself that I would just walk and when thoughts of any sort came to my mind I would let them go and redirect my mind towards my walk. The very next morning after working the night shift at the hospital I kept this promise for the first time of many times.
My technique was very simple. I walked. As my mind wondered I focused on the walk and then refocused each time my mind wondered. I actually focused on the feeling of my feet coming into contact with the path and the movement of my body through space. When thoughts would come into my mind I would be aware of the thought but would not interact with them. I would only give my thoughts the simple label (thought) then I would watch it pass and refocus on the feeling and sound of my footfalls.
Footfall by footfall I was able to focus more easily on my walk and I had a greater awareness of the tangle of thoughts that routinely went through my mind. I acknowledged each thought for what it was, a thought. I ceased to judge them as good or bad I became aware of the feelings they caused but I ceased to judge the feelings only acknowledge them as thoughts also. Footfall by footfall my heart became lighter.
This process of meditation and yes it is meditation was like slowly turning on a light in a huge warehouse and discovering all the things I have ever owned or been associated with. From the first diaper that covered my bottom to the new computer I just bought all the things were there. The warehouse is my mind and the objects are all my collected thoughts and emotions. The slowly illuminating light is this meditation. I was amazed at how many thoughts would filter through my mind in a five minute period. Hundreds easily. As I meditated my mind became calmer. The thoughts became less frequent and I was more aware of them. I found that much of the anxiety, fear, stress and depression I often felt were the results of thoughts of things that had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on in the here and now.
When all of this started I would have characterized myself as a moderately to severely anxious person. I was shut off from much of what life had to offer. Meditation has resulted in a calmer mind and a more abundant life.
I think sometimes I am the luckiest man in the world. Without realizing it I fell backwards into a form of meditation that opened my mind to the beauty of this world and my capacity to live in it. Today my heart often dances.
