The Horror of the Shade

There is an inherent horror in being alive. I see it everywhere. I see it every time I drive down the road and observe the remains of a small innocent animal crushed out of existence by some car who's driver is probably not even aware of taking a life. He is too busy listening to the radio or talking on the cell to be aware of the tragic death he has caused. I see it glorified in video games and movies. I see it every time I read the paper or watch the news. I am a fragile creature who can be killed in so many ways. I can be infected and killed by animals to small to be seen. I can lose my life to accident, violence, stupidity or just old age. In short I am food for worms and it scares me so that I do evil on myself and others. It is always there for me. When it is quiet and dark I look into the corner of my mind and I see him there. Death stares back at me with his wild eyes. As I look into his wild eyes, tears come to my own.

In the past I have tried to escape the horror. I have used many techniques.

My first run in the death was when I was 5 years old. My Grandpa had died. I looked at him laying in is coffin and I wondered what was different. Just a week or so before he was walking and laughing and playing with me and now he was not. I remember asking my Mother what was different. She told me that Grandpa was sleeping now and would one day be resurrected and would live forever with Jesus. Well this was Mom and so I took her explanation as the truth and it gave me comfort for a while.

I don't know how long a while was but my curious nature started a line of questioning that has not ended to this day. I began to see the different and and conflicting religions and came to the only honest conclusion I could. I realized they could not all be right. Even among Christians there are many different routes to heaven and eternal life. Yes yes they all say believe in Jesus and be saved but in the end they each have their own ax to grind. They each have there own special take on the subject. Throw in the other major religions and you have so many voices telling you so many different things it is hard to know which voice to listen to.

I would really like to pick a voice and listen to its message and be comforted with the thought of Mohandas Gandhi. He said something like this, the different religions are just different manifestations of the same God. So I would be on one of many paths to God and I could do that but for one thing. I again become the mindless driver crushing life from the innocents as I speed along listening to whatever station I have the radio tuned to. In occurs to me that once I start on that path and accept that point of view (whatever that point of view is) I am a participant in the evil I see around me. Even though I never fire a shot I am part of the evil of Christian vs Muslim vs Hindu vs Sikh, vs this that and the other. I become a part of that mindset that says this is the way and by saying this I damn others. I am going along and crushing the life out of the innocents so I do not need to be afraid.

I am sure I take this all too seriously and maybe I should just go to Church or Temple or whatever but I do not. I can not. Because in the end I do not believe nor do I care to believe.

I thought about just ignoring the problem of the horror. There are so many ways to do it. Food, drugs, sex, video games LOL, yes yes I include video games because they become the world of some people. In this world they are in control and godlike. I think video games are just a way to get out of living life. In all of these solutions I am sacrificing myself and I am still a coward and I am giving the horror something of great value so it will leave me in peace.

Then there are addictive relationships, the relationship could be with a parent, friend, spouse, child or lover. In these relationships we are lost in the embrace of the other we enslave ourselves and we enslave the other. I can not do this, any of this. In the end all of these solutions are just a way of sleeping and not living. I once again find myself driving along not realizing I have run over my loved one to escape the horror.

So where ever I turn to deal with this I am either sacrificing myself or another. I am either enslaving or being enslaved. I would rather die. And that leads me to what for me has been an elegant solution.

I will just die. It occurs to me that it is enough to know that Life and Identity exist. I do not need to waste my time with religion, sex, food, drugs or the rest of it to deal with the horror of my demise. I do not need to go to sleep to the horror. I have made peace with the horror and now instead of running from it or placating it or sacrificing the innocents to it I accept it and invite the horror along as a friend.

Everyday I stop and look for my wild eyed friend in the corner. He is there and he is whispering to me. He is whispering to me to enjoy every moment. Even and especially the painful ones because it will all come to an end. If I will listen he will not let me fall asleep. He will not let me miss one minute. And so my greatest enemy is my greatest friend. When I look into that corner I smile and tears come to my eyes. They are not tears of horror or fear but of thankfulness for being awake for this miracle. The miracle of LIFE.